Spoiler alert: This is a long post filled with thoughts I have decided to share with the world.
The title to this post was going to be different from what it is. I was going to title it Little Miss Life Lesson. In truth, this post will be because of Little Miss. She is open and honest with her feelings, dissolving into tears instantly and just as suddenly starting a laugh that causes every creature in creation to stop and join in with laughter. She is honest. She is 16 months old and as we all know, at 16 months, we can be honest and open with everything because we have not learned over the years to hold back, step aside, keep our thoughts to ourselves and generally put up walls around ourselves. So, thank you Little Miss for teaching me to be myself.
I am starting my fourth year of blogging. As I have frequently mentioned, I named my blog what I did so that I could remain hidden and yet write openly and honestly. At first I told no one that I had a blog. I wasn’t certain it would continue to exist. It has. I have met so many wonderful people through blogging and when I don’t read posts and don’t write, I miss them. I pray for them and hope they are doing well.
The past year has been a whirlwind of activity and adventure for me. I have not stopped often to actually write and think and take stock of who I am and what I am doing. This is generally true, except during church. That is when I cannot get up to wipe a sink or take the dog out or find something to occupy my time. I sit and listen and soak in what I am hearing. I love church for this reason. It is a time when quietness floods my soul and spirit and I am able to hear that still small voice inside me.
What I have felt this year is that I have a purpose. There is a plan for my life. I am here to accomplish something. What? That is still forming in my heart. It may already be there, ready for me to work with it and finally step into it, but, I am timid.
There, I said it, I am timid. According to Dictionary.com, timid means this:lacking in self-assurance, courage, or bravery; easily alarmed; timorous; shy. 2.characterized by or indicating fear:
I am afraid to open that door in my heart to discover what is behind it. I know that I know that I know the Lord would never do anything in my life that He has not already prepared me for or given me the courage to accomplish, but, yet, I hesitate. I stand staring at that door in my mind. I touch the doorknob and pull away, not daring to turn the knob for fear that door will fling open and there I will be…. accountable for what I see.
All of these thoughts have come to the surface for a variety of reasons this past week. This time last week I was chasing after Little Miss, having our usual good time together. My daughter’s dogs were close behind, jumping and barking and all of us were creating bedlam that only comes when there is a toddler in the home. I would swoop her up in my arms and whisper to her, “You get to be with your cousin this week. Grammy will be able to have both of you together. We will have such fun!” Yes, Little Man was scheduled to come up and I was going to lock myself in our toy room with my grand kids and not allow anyone admittance to ‘our’ playroom.
On Monday morning my heart fell for a couple of reasons as I read a message from my youngest daughter. Little Man had a fever. I really dislike my babies to be sick, but, it also meant that Little Man would not be coming to play with me.
So, our schedule changed and my week continued. Tuesday was the 15th of March. I woke up thinking of my Mom. Tuesday would have been her birthday. She has been gone for almost 50 years now, but, there are times that it hits you hard even after all those years. This year, for some reason, it hit me hard.
Then, Thursday came. St. Patrick’s Day. I have a love/hate relationship with this day. I love it because, I am Irish. I am very proud of my heritage. I am proud that I can point out which relatives emigrated without going back several generations. I always feel like there is a dormant jig playing in my heart and when I stop and think about it, I smile. Growing up my sisters and I would sing and dance each year for our parents. We would giggle and laugh and perform and argue and push each other, but, it was fun. It was tradition! When I married and lived on the west coast I would get up at 4:30 a.m. so that I could call my Dad on the east coast to be the first person to wish him a Happy St Patrick’s Day. This is the part of my memories that I dislike about the day. So, on Thursday, guess what? Yes, I really missed my Dad, who has been gone several years.
By Friday, a sort of melancholy had started to rise up in me. Add to this, a bout of insomnia and you can imagine the parade of thoughts scurrying around my mind. The only thing missing was a river dyed green!
I knew I was going to write a post this weekend. As I thought about it a little while ago, I realized that one of the reasons I had started this blog was to write honestly and openly. I have not done this. After telling people about my blog, I hesitated to write certain things for fear I would insult them or offend people. What I have done is write myself into a box. This has become a place for me to write surface things. Nice things. inoffensive things, not that I like offending anyone, or try to offend anyone anyhow, but, I think you understand what I mean.
So, today, I have decided to tell you about myself. I will not change the name of my blog, well, because I like the name. But, let me introduce myself to you….
My name is Mary Catherine. See? I am Irish… Friends call me Cathi. Cat hi! It was spelled Cathy until my freshman year of high school and I thought it would be cool to spell my name with an ‘I’ since there was no ‘Y’ in Catherine. Yes, as a 61-year-old lady, I feel slightly ridiculous spelling my name with an I. I always feel like I should do a cheer with a name spelled like that. Can you guess who my favorite SNL character is?
So, now after four years of blogging, you know my name. I hope with this small step my writing will be different. I have hesitated in telling my name. I had a conversation with another blogger who follows me, she said, after we had privately messaged one another that she liked not knowing anything about me as she could imagine I could be someone famous. The only thing I am famous for is my laugh. Everyone knows when I am in a room with my laugh.
Well, now that I have done this small step, ask me a question if you feel like it and I will try to answer it. I am now going to take another bold step for me and post on Facebook that I have a blog. For, although I have told family members and close friends I have not told many others that I write. Today, I walk a bit closer to that door in my heart. I may not grab onto that doorknob yet, but I am closer to doing that.
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it. DAF