Yesterday I woke up determined to get out of my funk. I got out of bed, made coffee, juice, walked the dog, came in stripped the bed, did laundry, made breakfast and then opened up my computer for a break.
I had written a couple of notes on Sunday evening and had a reply from one. For some reason the other me answered the message and she was not nice. She was rude and grumpy and completely honest with what she was thinking. I try to keep that part of me under control, giving her over to the Lord for safe keeping of behavior problems. But, she escaped! She wrote her gut feelings to a friend. A friend who is gracious and kind and rarely misbehaves like this. She and I have this code, when we are feeling upset we need to step away from the computer. After sending her my answer it took less than five minutes for me to write that, indeed, I should have stepped away from the computer!
Kicking myself for revealing myself in a way I try not to, I continued on with my day. I closed my laptop, after putting it on hibernate. I should have taken a cue and gone into hibernation! But, no, I continued with the laundry and my day.
Shortly after noon, the phone rang. It was a dear friend from my childhood. She always seems to call at just the right time. I answered and after a few minutes she asked the inevitable question, ‘How are you doing? How is your dear anonymous hubby?’ Once more I crumbled, that alter ego escaped and unleashed a barrage of honesty. I apologized and with love was told that it was okay. That is what friends are for. She got me laughing and feeling almost human again and we said good-bye and talk with you soon.
I came back down the steps and continued my day. I decided to make some cookies. Cookies always help, don’t they? I got the recipe out and got a text. The text was from an unknown number, but it said, ‘Up for a Skype?’. Of course I was, I answered, by the way, who is this? Nothing like agreeing to talk to unknown people, right? She answered and it was a dear friend from San Diego. Of course, she no longer lives there, actually she moved away before I did. But, while we were both there we were walking partners. We would meet at a lake and walk for 5 to 7 miles at a time. We would talk together, cry together and pray together. We set up the Skype, but for some reason I couldn’t see that face I have missed so much. I couldn’t hear her except for every third word. We finally got to see each other and she looks wonderful. Healthy and happy. I could see her lips moving but since I don’t read lips, I had no idea of what she was saying. We agreed through many attempts that we would try again today.
While trying to Skype, our youngest called and started to Skype with my dear hubby. I quickly got over to the couch after my failed attempt with my friend to see my precious babies. My daughter and my grandson. A smile came over me, things improved. Nothing makes life better than seeing a drooling almost six month old smiling. My heart lifted.
By this time it was almost dinner time. My son-in-law came in from work and it was time to say good-bye. We hung up and determined to have done something positive yesterday, I started the cookies.
This was when another voice from our past entered into the mix. On to my hubby’s laptop came another Skype conversation with someone we were stationed with overseas. His face and voice filled the air and I saw my hubby become the man he was in the mid 70’s. Time was caught up with the two and after he hung up we looked at one another and commented on how unusual the day had been.
Late last night another round of email messages passed between my dear friend and I that I started the day with. Again that stupid alter ego appeared and I knew it was time for me to close up the lap top and hope I could once more gain control over her.
Sleep didn’t come easy last night and that is nothing unusual, and so this morning was slow in getting started. Before hitting the ground today I prayed. I do this every morning. Today, I just said, help.
As I was walking our dear puppy, I had a conversation with our Lord. We talk a lot when I walk. The dog is never interested in carrying on a conversation anyhow.
As I was walking back home I remembered something. I am always in a bit of a funk the beginning of the year. The reason is that I think on the baby I lost at the beginning of one year. In the back of my mind I remember. I remember being in bed with a two-year old and trying to hang on to the life inside me. I was almost five months pregnant. I wanted a second one. I was not supposed to have any. Having one was a miracle, the second was just impossible. Each year about this time I wonder about the life that could have been. I wonder what he would have been like. What his personality would have been like, how tall he would have been.
Then I once more swallow and remember that if that one had been born, I would not have my special gift from God. For, He blessed us once more in 1983. He gave us our youngest daughter. The mother of our dear precious grandson. What an incredible gift she is and has been. She taught me how to laugh. She gives me joy.
So, now I know what has lurked about in the back of my mind. The time has come for the new year to begin. So, today, I am thankful. Thankful for memories both good and bad. I am thankful for my family, my immediate and extended family. I am thankful for my dear hubby who is still dealing with illness. I am thankful for my daughters. My youngest is my special gift, she has taught me laughter. My oldest is precious in the sight of the Lord and she has taught me unconditional love. I have spent my life telling my daughters these things. It is important to hear blessings daily.
So, happy 2013. May this year be a year of great things. New things. New normals. May memories grace and encourage you. May they bring tears to your eyes in gratitude for things that transpired because of things.
Thanks for stopping by, DAF